Ever Felt Like this?

Have you ever...let's say you know a lot about, we'll say, "corn." You're not a certified expert or anything, but you know way more about corn than most. You find yourself in a social situation, which has always been awkward for you because you have had a sweating condition since your youth that causes you to sweat at inopportune times regardless of temperature. Compound this by the fact that you have gained 24 pounds since leaving Los Angeles and you still try to fit into the same clothes, only now you are uncomfortable and feel like a sausage breaking out of it's skin. Then it hits you, no one around you gives a shit about corn. You try to join conversations but no one in interested in this creepy, sweaty guy rambling on about corn. You try to "suck it in" but unannounced to you, where your gut normally resides, the top of your already too tight pants have folded over the top of your belt. At first you think people are snickering because of your constant corn conversation, but as you try to loosen your vacuumed on shirt you see what they are really laughing about.

Next thing you know, you are standing in the corner, sweating profusely, mumbling about corn and wiping a little bit of drool from your lips. It is then, and only then, that you think of the witty things you could have said, perhaps to be funny or even "cool." It is far too late for that at this point. You couldn't come up with those words at the perfect time because of your constant self consciousness and too much room in your brain being rented by the facts about corn. People glance in your direction, obviously asking others, "Did you see that guy? What was his deal?" You try to find something to do with your hands. You end up with one pinky in your back pocket and your other arm folded across your chest, by itself. So here you are, in some sort of failed "Pledge of Allegiance" pose but there isn't a flag in sight.

You apishly put your arms down and as you calmly slide them into your pockets you realize your zipper is down. How long? From minute one, it is too long. You find a corner and with as much grace as you can muster, zip up. Of course at that very moment, security sees you and tells you that you can't do that in public. They escort you out, in front of everyone, blatantly. This is definitely one of the worst Christmas parties you have ever been to.

Have you ever felt like that? No? Um, yeah, me neither.