The Thirsty Bear Story

I haven’t told this story to very many people. It may prove to be a long story but hopefully worth the read. This is a true story and every word is true, though some will be left out because of blogger terms and conditions.

While still living in LA my wife and I decided to take a trip to San Francisco. For me it is always Mecca as a Deadhead and they also have great breweries. We had planned to visit every brewery and see as much of the city as we could. We walked everywhere and after a long day of brewery hopping we stopped into a brewery called, The Thirsty Bear.

We went to the bar and ordered two IPA’s (our beer of choice) and sat looking over the menu. There were some bearing down pains coming into my guts. Yep, I had to go. My wife beat me to the punch by announcing she would be using the restroom. Dang. I had to wait my turn. After what seemed like hours, she returned. “Where the hell is the bathroom in this place?” I said. She told me that the only restroom was upstairs and that there was a private party going on and I couldn’t go. I told her this was a time when I unfortunately had no choice.

Now San Francisco is known for many things and it is usually synonymous with a large homosexual population. I have no problems with homosexuality. I know love is a powerful thing and should be recognized by all people of all races and preference. I know the topic of gay marriage usually ends up: “what’s next? A man marries a sheep?” Ignorance is baaaaa’d.

I bring this up because the private party upstairs was a bus full of gay guys having a luau. I didn't care, I couldn’t wait another minute, I was not in control of the situation. My bowels dictated to me that I had very little time, so I headed upstairs. I was sweating and a little flushed so I didn’t exactly pay much attention. It may have been DeBarge on the stereo, there were lots of Hawaiian shirts, pretty drinks and a limbo bar. It was very crowded. I quickly snuck through to the bathroom and as I opened the door my heart sank. One stall, right when you open the door. Had it not been covered with a door, everyone could have seen me. I had no choice. I quickly went in, shut the door and relaxed. Momentarily.

I have always had a thing about public pooping, I mean in a public bathroom. I usually lift my feet when someone else comes in, so they don’t see me. I know, I know, I am in therapy for it. This time was no different, okay it was, but initially it wasn’t. The door opens and I quickly lift my legs, like I am being hunted in an action movie, only this isn’t a movie and the action has nothing to do with me. I can’t see anything, but I know he isn’t waiting for the stall, that is a risk you take with the leg lift. I hear him using the urinal and know it won’t be long until he leaves and I can too. Just then, the door opens again. Whew, not waiting for the stall either. He must be using the second urinal…he is! So now it should just be a moment longer and I can finish up. Then I hear this…

“Oooh, you’re huge. “

Let that sit a while...



There were many more words spoken between the two, too graphic and not allowed by the rules of this blog. I will email the exact words to those who want to know what was said. God knows, they are permanently burned in my brain.

There was a fair amount of kissing, some noises I wasn’t able to decipher, and an invitation to go to a “Bear” meeting and be a part of a “Bear Hug” party at a fellows house near by. I couldn’t see anything I could only hear it. I might have blacked out for a little while, I was in there for nearly forty-five minutes. They finally left. I knew I had a limited amount of time and I don’t think I could sit through another “thirsty” Bear moment. I quickly prepared to leave. When I left the bathroom, it seemed like the music stopped and everyone turned to look at me. I had no idea who I have secretly witnessed, but it seemed as though everyone knew what I had heard. I moved through the crowd toward the staircase, I was smiled at and someone grabbed my ass, though I didn’t turn to see who.

I got to the bar and my wife looked at me and smiled. “You look like you saw a ghost.” I replied, “I didn’t see anything. I heard…EVERYTHING.” There has always been a consensus that I am one cell away from being gay myself. My wife warned me not to go up to the rest room because of this fact. She could hardly believe this story and yet, why would I make this up? I quickly took a big gulp of my IPA. About ten minutes passed and the whole party started coming down the stairs to head for their bus. I swear every one of those guys looked at me and winked. My wife said, “I wonder where they are headed to next?” I looked at her. “I know exactly where they are going. A group Bear Hug.” She laughed and asked me if they had invited me? “No, not officially.” Somehow though, I felt as though they had.

That’s the PG version.
Happy Hump Day.